On the surface, Tara appears to have it all. The 31-year-old professional model travels the United States, appearing in catalogues and Sunday advertising supplements. She owns her home and lives a glamorous life that many would envy.
“Friends and acquaintances think I’m independent, successful and don’t need anyone,” said Tara, who asked that her last name not be used. “But the truth is, I’m not that happy being alone. In the past few years I’ve found myself hoping that each person I begin dating will be The One.”
Despite her yearning for a commitment, she hasn’t found a soul mate.
Despite being perceived as successful, many chronically single people yearn for a committed relationship. The late social worker and author Karen Jenkins, in her book “Chronically Single Women: How to Get Out of the Singles Trap” (Health Communications Inc., 1994), addressed this dilemma, explaining that those who struggle with finding lasting relationships can feel increasingly isolated.
There are a variety of reasons why people remain single despite desiring an enduring relationship, says Mission Viejo psychologist Cathearine Jenkins-Hall:
- “On average, people are better at shopping for a new pair of shoes than they are at finding a mate,” she says. “When it comes to a partner, many people have no idea what they want and don’t realize that relationships involve compromise. Instead, they look for this vague wonderfulness that doesn’t exist.”
- “In many ways, marriage is like being a millionaire,” she adds. “Most of us want to be wealthy with all the glamour and excitement we imagine it will give us, but do we really want the hidden responsibilities attached to caring for all of that money?”
Another reason for being chronically single is unclear self-identity, as Tara discovered through introspection:
- “I realized that I’m not ready for the right person yet, because I don’t know myself,” she says. “I need to be happy being single before I can find someone. I can’t expect someone else to make me happy.”
- “I had a whole list of what I wanted a guy to be,” Tara admits. “If he didn’t fit the bill, I wasn’t interested. If he did have what I wanted, I’d worry I’d lose him. Now I’ve decided to accept the other person for who he is.”
Other people remain single because they gravitate toward people they would never marry, or continue dating individuals who are preoccupied with previous relationships.
For about nine years, Kevin, 36, found himself dating women who were going through divorces or just breaking up with longtime boyfriends.
“For many years, I was the transition guy,” says Kevin, a mechanic in Santa Ana. “At first, the women would view me as the best thing that ever happened to them. Then after awhile they’d stop returning my phone calls.” Despite this, Kevin remains hopeful but discouraged about finding the right partner.
Lori, 40, from Westminster, also finds the single life excruciatingly solitary. Despite a series of failed relationships, Lori longs for companionship:
- “During the week I’m fine because my work in the medical field keeps me busy and fulfilled,” she says. “But the weekends are very difficult. I’ll spend the days with friends and their children and the nights all alone with my pets. All I want is what my friends with solid marriages have–companionship.”
- “I’ve done everything but put a billboard on the 405 Freeway,” Lori adds. “I’ve taken classes at college on how to meet single people, answered personal ads, and told all my friends and work associates that I’d like to meet someone.”
Despite numerous efforts, Lori is still searching for love and laments that many men her age are either married or chasing younger women. She feels as though she has missed her chance.
Some chronically single people are deeply hurt by an early relationship, which sets up emotional barriers that prevent future relationships, such as Ann, 27, who has had 13 relationships since her teens but struggles to trust men after a devastating breakup in her youth.
Diagnosing Chronic Singleness
Are you a chronically single person? You may be if you agree with three or more of the following statements:
- I have a hard time making or sustaining eye contact with people I’m attracted to.
- I am afraid to let a person see my interest in him or her.
- It takes a lot of sex appeal to get a man’s or woman’s attention.
- The idea of letting someone really know me is very frightening.
- It is better to have a lover you wouldn’t marry than to be alone.
