Breaking Roles and Building Respect: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

When Emily Keech’s daughter, Jean, suggested attending a mother-daughter workshop aimed at improving their relationship, Keech, 83, of Tustin, didn’t think it would help.

“As far as I was concerned, our relationship was irreparable,” Keech said. “Jean and I never agreed on anything. Without fail, she’d say ‘black’ and I’d say ‘white.'”

Still, Keech honored her daughter’s request—and to her surprise, the workshop was a turning point.

“I was totally surprised at how we’ve managed to work things out,” she said. “My daughter and I have become much more tolerant. Now instead of constantly battling and criticizing one another, we actually talk.”

The Struggle to See Each Other as Adults

Keech realized a key issue in their relationship was the failure to reach an adult-to-adult dynamic. She continued playing the mother role, and her 60-year-old daughter kept rebelling.

“My biggest mistake was running with a safety net,” she admitted. “From the day your daughter is born, you want to protect her. But it took me a while to realize it was her responsibility and life—I had to let go.”

Why Letting Go Is So Difficult

Not letting go is a common problem for many mothers, says licensed clinical social worker Lynne Conger of Orange Outreach, which offers family counseling and regular mother-daughter workshops.

“Mothers and daughters share a profound bond,” Conger explains. “Being the same gender, they often face similar challenges, and mothers want to spare their daughters pain.”

But, Conger says:

• It’s essential for daughters to struggle and grow independently.
• Without separate identities, mothers and daughters can fall into old, unproductive patterns.
• Unresolved issues with mothers can negatively impact relationships with spouses and children.

Developing Mutual Respect

Jean Braun, Keech’s daughter, agreed that the bond is worth working on.

“She’s the only mother I have,” said Braun, an accountant from Irvine. “Once I started treating her like I treat co-workers—with respect and patience—our relationship improved.”

She added, “We often treat family worse than strangers, expecting they’ll always be there. That’s not fair. Now we see each other as people, not just mother and daughter.”

Lessons Passed to the Next Generation

Now a mother and grandmother herself, Braun enjoys a strong relationship with her daughter.

“We can really talk as adults now,” Braun said. “After she had kids, she started seeing things differently and even asks for advice sometimes.”

Sharing Advice Without Controlling

Braun’s strategy with her daughter is to offer insight without interference:

• “If I see her heading toward trouble, I share my thoughts as an opinion.”
• “Once I say my piece, it’s up to her to decide what to do.”

This approach works well for Braun’s daughter, Lisa Cuomo, a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom in Murrieta.

“My mother isn’t a meddler,” Cuomo says. “She doesn’t tell me what to do. I ask for advice sometimes, and it’s always helpful.”

More Women Are Seeking Change

Claudette Varanko, 50, of Westminster, and her daughter, Natalia, were also ready to change their dynamic.

“I wanted to stop being the perpetual mother—it was weighing me down,” said Claudette, a legal nurse consultant. She, too, turned to Orange Outreach for help navigating the transformation.