Love Hurts, and It Should : Broken Hearts Mend Stronger, Say Orange County Therapists and Other Survivors From the Front

The Bittersweet Growth from a Broken Heart

Just about all of us can recall a time when someone took Cupid’s arrow out of our heart and walked away. Whether it was three days or 30 years ago, it’s hard to forget the sound of a heart breaking. After all, trampling elephants are loud.

While most say that breaking a heart isn’t as painful as having someone shatter yours, it can still stir up difficult emotions—especially guilt.

The Emotional Benefits of Heartbreak

Believe it or not, all of this agony is actually good for us, say mental health professionals.

“For the emotionally healthy person, having your heart broken is a necessary part of growth,” says Joanie Heinemann, a therapist at Coastline Counseling Center in Newport Beach.

“If you don’t experience a variety of relationships and have your heart broken and break hearts, I don’t know that you can ever build an intimate, understanding relationship with another person.”

Those who have experienced both sides of heartbreak tend to be sadder but wiser, understanding that how a heart is broken can affect how easily it heals.

Heartbreak in Your 20s and 30s

Broken hearts occur most often in one’s 20s and 30s, particularly between ages 28 to 33 when people often push unsuitable relationships due to ticking biological clocks.

According to Heinemann, “just as many women as men break hearts.”

What We Learn from Heartbreak

  • What we don’t want in a partner
  • The importance of emotional compatibility
  • How to recognize toxic patterns

“Having your heart broken is a wonderful life lesson that toughens your skin and cleans your rose-colored glasses,” says Dave, a 32-year-old communications specialist.

Real Stories of Broken Hearts

Dave’s Story

Dave’s intense relationship ended after he realized he had been changing his personality to fit his partner’s needs. They parted mutually, but the pain remained. He took a road trip to heal and eventually found his soulmate.

Cynthia’s Story

At 18, Cynthia’s heart was broken by a 30-year-old architect. After catching him cheating, she was devastated. Her healing took six months, but subsequent breakups were easier. Her recent heartbreak came from dating a close friend—only to discover the spark wasn’t there.

“Creating great memories is worth the pain in the long run,” she says.

Pat’s Story

Pat, now 33, experienced multiple heartbreaks before finding her husband—who initially broke her heart. She tried various coping methods, from self-help books to meditation and even wine. Eventually, her patience paid off when her now-husband re-evaluated his priorities and returned to her.

Which Hurts More: Being Dumped or Doing the Dumping?

While many say that having your heart broken is more painful than breaking someone else’s, the guilt of ending a relationship can weigh heavily.

“I’m your perpetual nice guy, so breaking up with someone was generally worse for me,” Dave shares.

Tips for Breaking Up the Right Way

Therapists and those who’ve experienced breakups agree on some important dos and don’ts:

Do:

  • Be honest and upfront
  • Use “I” statements
  • Preserve the other person’s dignity and self-esteem
  • Make a clean break

Don’t:

  • Wait until after holidays to break up
  • Ghost or avoid the person
  • Offer false hope for reconciliation

Denise’s Story

Denise, 33, often found herself on the heartbreak-giving side. She emphasizes maintaining the other person’s self-worth during a breakup. However, she regrets ghosting a man she’d been dating—something that still haunts her.

Brian’s Story

After breaking up with two women by abruptly cutting contact, Brian learned the value of honesty when he himself was dumped directly. That experience changed how he viewed past relationships.

Jim’s Story

Jim, 27, had a tough time ending a relationship with someone who became emotionally manipulative. After failed attempts to break things off gently, he eventually had to be blunt to protect his well-being.

Healing Takes Time

“Whether you’re being dumped or doing the dumping, we are really durable creatures,” says Heinemann.

“Let the heartbreak run its course—and if you’re going to do the heart breaking, do it right.”

Julie Bawden-Davis

Julie Bawden-Davis is a bestselling journalist, novelist, blogger, and YouTuber. A prolific author, Julie writes in several genres. She enjoys creating page-turning suspense served up with a dose of romance, garden books that turn any brown thumb green, and spiritual books meant to enlighten and inspire. Widely published, Julie has written 45 books and more than 4,000 articles for a wide variety of national and international publications. She lives in Southern California, where she enjoys sunny, blue skies most days and year-round gardening. Julie gains inspiration from being surrounded by plants when she writes.