‘Having In-Laws Stay Over is Like an Olympic Competition,’ Says One Hostess

Challenges of Hosting In-Laws

For the parent of young children, already busy with work and running a household, having guests can feel like one more responsibility. For grandparents who are used to coming and going without considering a child’s needs, the chaos that children bring can be nerve-racking. And for newlyweds trying to get to know their in-laws, having guests can feel a lot like being on trial.

How Personality Affects Hosting Visitors

Whatever your circumstances and whomever is visiting, how well you handle having visitors depends a lot on your personality.

• “The more easygoing you are, the easier it is to have guests,” says Alexandra Rosenberg, a Newport Beach clinical social worker.
• “If you are more perfectionistic and controlling, it’s harder to have your routine broken and your space invaded,” she adds.

Even if you’re laid-back, there are some inherent stresses when relatives visit. In some cases, relationships with in-laws can create havoc. In others, family issues may cause friction, says Ron Hirz, a psychiatrist who has been working with individuals and families for over 20 years.

Wendy Vallier’s Experience with In-Laws

Wendy Vallier, a property manager in Anaheim, shares her experience with in-laws who visit twice a year. Her mother-in-law, who is 73, stays for a week, and her husband’s siblings sometimes visit as well.

“Having in-laws stay over is like an Olympic competition,” says Vallier. “A great deal of preparation is required to execute a flawless performance, and through it all, you pray for good marks from the judges—your in-laws. I only wish I had to endure this grueling event every four years.” She says that her mother-in-law expects a lot of attention, which has become increasingly difficult to provide.

Overcoming Family Tension

Vallier also mentions the challenge of not having the familiarity she enjoys with her own family. “There are ongoing family grievances that existed long before you came into the picture,” she says. “For instance, I once said something about my husband’s sister in front of my mother-in-law, and she looked at me as if I had lost my mind.”

Handling In-Law Visits Smoothly

Many people find it especially difficult to manage when in-laws visit because of how courteous they must be. Jeff McMillan, a college professor in Santa Ana, shares that while he likes his girlfriend’s family, he finds it hard to be on his best behavior for extended periods of time.

Secrets to a Successful Visit

Sharon Whatley, a writer in Tustin, believes that the keys to a successful visit are planning ahead and making things as simple as possible:

• Prepare the guest room, buy household supplies, and cook meals a few days before the guests arrive.
• Keep meals simple. “Instead of breaking your back trying to meet the standards you see in magazines, realize that the food doesn’t have to be exotic, and the house doesn’t have to be spotless,” says Whatley.

Managing Expectations

Having a proposed schedule that includes free time is a great way to manage expectations, says Hirz. “This gives your guests a chance to get away or rest by themselves, and it gives you a chance to unwind or get things done,” he explains.

If no car is available for your visitors, consider arranging a rental so they can explore on their own, making the visit much less stressful.

Dealing with Difficult Relatives

If you’re dealing with a strained relationship with a visitor, it’s important to establish boundaries. Rosenberg advises gently telling the person that you are an adult and can make your own decisions.

If direct confrontation is not possible, seek the support of others, such as your spouse, to help communicate your boundaries.

Finding the Positive in Challenging Visits

When all else fails, remember that the visit won’t last forever. “There is a part of us that enjoys company,” says Rosenberg. “Let that part come out and play, and you’ll probably have a pretty good time.”